Ten Things

So it’s Saturday night, well actually early Sunday morning and I made the mistake of drinking a diet pepsi max way too late in the evening. So I am wide awake and well I have decided to troll the internet for more people to recruit as readers for my blog…just kidding, hell I couldn’t give away free tickets to this freak show called my life.

So here’s the latest topic I am going to attempt to explore. I will list ten things I wish I could say to ten people, but I know I don’t have to courage to say. But I won’t say who the things are about. You may say what’s the point then, well I guess it’s a lesson in reflection in hopes I can say them sooner than later. And well hell this is my blog so work with me while I introspect would ya?
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You are my oldest friend, we have been attached at the hip for what seems a life time…and as much as I love your ass I envy what you have, what you so easily and willingly discarded. One thing I can never have and the one thing you are so afraid to claim.
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I have said from the beginning that our friendship was unique, well indescribable, and that other’s just wouldn’t understand it. The awesome thing about it is that you feel the same way. It will just be one of those unexplainable things that the average person will never understand. We have had our ups and downs in this friendship and our share of hurt feelings, and you come back again and again regardless, I can’t understand why…why you would put up with my insecurities and hurtful ways…..but love you for doing it. I am very sorry about that incident, of not trusting you…you gave me no reason not to, and I let the evil side of me win when there was no good reason for it.
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You never fail to make me laugh, I don’t think there has been a day since we met where you didn’t. You are always there and always available to “listen”, that means the world to me  and I love you for that!……I am so proud of how far you have come in the past 3 years, you’ve taken control of your life and you fight the good fight every day. As proud as I am of you, you should be even prouder.

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All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, you seem to be now, and that is all I can ask for.
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I struggle to forgive you daily for the pain that you inflicted on me. The innocence you stole, the confidence you broke. But I am finally fighting back,  for over twenty five years you have haunted me, tortured my thoughts, defined my existence. But no longer will I allow you sick presence in my mind; I am taking back control of my life. It may take another twenty five years but I will be the victor in the end and you will just be a shell of a sick twisted son of a bitch who will have to eternally deal with your sin. God have mercy on your soul.
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Sweetie  you are so blessed to have had a dad like you did. He would move mountains for you, and you were the joy of his life. I know it breaks your heart he's still not with you, as I am sure it broke his heart to have to leave this earth way too soon. Make him proud, he sure was proud of you.
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I am not the same person I was a year ago, you should know that, I am stronger, and continue to work toward the goal of being whole........thank you for helping me take that first baby step.
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Thank you for telling me you needed me as a friend that night I held a handful of sleeping pills in my hand....you helped save my life that night....and although you have chosen to step away, nothing will change what you gave me that night.........hope.
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I have always wished you would talk to me more, share how you feel, think, that some how we could have bonded more. I always felt that I somehow was a disappointment to you, you never said that but it is how I feel/felt. Your friends would tell me how you always brag about me, how proud you are of me, but I never heard it from you. Funny it should be enough, but it isn’t. I know you love me and are proud of me, I just wish you would have told me. It’s not too late to start.
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I know it will happen one day, that you won’t be there, and that scares the hell out of me. I am not ready to let go of you, not now it’s not your time…but what I am really afraid of is that I will never be ready, and the time I wasted being defiant, and rebellious just seems foolish now. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock, I know I would approach our relationship differently. I don’t want to have regrets any longer.