Have I ever told you ......

my personal theory about Dr. Seuss?  Well let me tell you, I hate Dr. Seuss. Yes as a teacher I should embrace his creativity......but honestly I can't stand all the rhyming. And actually it's not necessarily the rhyming I hate. It's the rhyming of the nonsensical made up words. My teacher brain wants to just scream know it the hell off! Yes, this is a confession...........I hate Dr. Seuss so much I actually refused to read it to my students...no matter how much they begged for Green Eggs and Ham, I refused ! In case you didn't know I used to teach elementary and even had a stint as a preschool teacher........hard to believe as jaded as I seem now.  I am also painfully aware that I am sure I will one day be punished for denying these youngsters the pleasure of hearing the nonsensical tale of some freakish looking creepy fur covered rodents from Whooville .....but that's a chance I'll take....

Please tell me.............

That I am not the only one who is not finished with their shopping yet, have not baked a single Christmas cookie, have zillions of presents to wrap, and feel like their time is running out!! I love Christmas but I think it's going to kill me this year getting everything done!

What I love about this time of year...........

 Lighting the gas fireplace and not caring about how much money it cost to run it.

Lights and garland in every room...........the smell of pine and cinnamon

Christmas sugar cookies, frosted with all sorts of  red and green sprinkles, the best!

Dropping off a bag of toys at the Salvation Army knowing some child is going to have a present to unwrap on Christmas morning...........priceless

The awesome life size nativity that the local funeral home displays each year....yeah I know it's a little weird that it's in front of a funeral home, probably the most depressing place to be at this time of year....but it's an awesome display, and I look forward to it every year.


 Watching the original Christmas Carol  movie late Christmas Eve while drinking Bailey's

The annual Christmas parties to invitations.......that seem like a pain.......but I  am always  glad I attend

Lighting the advent candle, remembering the ultimate Christmas Gift...........

Sometimes I wish...........

Sometimes I wish I weren't so approachable to my students. There are just times when I'd rather not know so many personal things about them..........case in point.......the student who told me the other day she just found out she had an STD, and wait for it........that she might be pregnant. I mean what am I supposed to say to that? My brillant response...........go to the counseling office and talk to them about your predicament. Seriously I was completely dumbfounded as what to say to this student, however  for some strange reason she felt comfortable enough  to share her troubles with me.

 The next day this same student came up to me during class to tell me she's NOT pregnant, which I felt relieved about, but then she proceeded to share the intimate details of how she got into the situation in the first place.......at which point I just had to say I'm really not comfortable discussing your sex life........total cop out I know, but seriously I don't need the image of my students engaging in activities they are in no position to handle the consequences of, burned into brain..........FML

My time is runing out

Am I the only one who has just just realized that Christmas is two weeks away? I seriously have a zillion presents to wrap, dozens of cookies to bake and the worst part.........I'm no where near done with my shopping. Sometimes I think the stress of getting everything done, kinda sucks the joy out of the holiday. So I'm going to get my ass in gear and go wrap some presents now, well at least it beats doing laundry. Ugh!

I am questiong my sanity

Ryan Murphy you sick twisted genius. I am seriously addicted to American Horror Story, I am talking the kind of addiction that even Dr. Drew couldn't cure. This show is completely dark, twisted, and a bit sadistic. And in all honesty I am questioning my own dark side as to why it is so completely enveloping.


The characters are all so fractured and  flawed that it just sucks you right in, wondering exactly who has the most secrets and skeleton's in their closet.  If you haven't watched this show, check your on demand feature and watch it from the beginning.  You'll be either hooked after one episode or sitting in a corner rocking back and forth crying for your momma.

Not so wordless Wednesday

Sunday Secret

I've been a fan of post secret for some time now, but lately it's been such a drag. I used to be able to count on at least one secret to make me laugh each week, but lately those have been few and far between. This week I have to admit I got a hearty laugh.........hope you enjoy

Now that's some funny shit

So What's in it for Me?

I got a message from Tony at Broowaha inviting me to write for his site. So I was thinking is this just a form invite that he sends to everyone that joins the site or an actual invitiation because he knows when I actually put forth an effort I can write some decent stuff.

So I messaged him, "Do you invite everyone that joins your site to write for you?"  His response, "I just had a thousand people join the site in the last week, you are the only one I invited to write." Well at face value that seems damn complementary, but that's assuming it's true.

For some reason I'm stalling on this grand invitation, maybe I'm just afraid to commit, maybe it's the platform, the publicness of it. Maybe, just maybe... I'm just wondering what's in it for me......

Sir you might wanna check your pants............

Well the holiday season is upon us, and I have to say I engaged in that preholiday tradition of Black Friday. Yep I trudged to Walmart at 10pm and fought the crowds. The sad thing is I went in there for one item...........but at a fifty percent savings I thought it was worth it. Actually as crazy as that store was it wasn't as bad as I thought I'd be. However I felt it was completely hysterical that they had people guarding the electronics but I guess that's where the crazy aspect comes in and well they don't want anybody getting killed over a flat screen TV.

The funniest part of the whole night was when I went to Kohls. I got there about an hour before they opened so I just sat in the car and waited till about 5 minutes till the doors opened. As I was walking up to the building to take my place at the end of the line........some douche bag yells "Don't even think about cutting in this line".....I returned his jackhole comment with one of my own......"Geeze dude relax.....we gotta walk this way to get in line."  Obviously he was a bit paranoid that someone might get in line in front of him and grab the last toaster oven he was picking up for his wifey for Christmas.
Really of all people a MAN is freaking the fuck out about line cutting, seriously I think you need to check your pants to make sure you still have a set of balls cuz you are acting like a freaking chick.
Oh and by the way..........just for future reference jackhole......Kohls is probably the only store that actually stocks a shit load of the stuff they have on sale for black friday.....so you stood in line for god knows how long and made yourself look like a total girl all for nothing.  Just saying.

And this is why I lock My Classroom Door..........

So it's fifth hour and my bladder has hit its max and there is no way in hell I am going to make it through two more hours without going to the bathroom.....normally I lock the door when leaving my class in between periods but this time the call of nature clouded all cognitive reasoning and I simply b-lined it to the teacher's lounge.

Upon my return a mere four minutes later I find the following scenario playing out in my classroom........no less than 3 students sitting on top of desks, one student sitting in my desk chair spinning themselves at a dizzying pace, another student going through my desk drawers....probably looking for some kind of sharp object to threaten another student with....and the cherry on top....one student trying to climb out of the emergency exit window. Oh and did I mention I teach high school students? Go figure huh.

So Should I................

Should I be offended that when the bell rings at the end of the day, and I tell my students to "have a good night"--their response is "Thank God I am getting outta this HELL HOLE!"
Nahhhhhhhhhhh

Unbelievable

Evidently the scammers are trying something new..........you'd think they'd at least target those Yankee Fans.........really who is stupid enough to actually send these idiots money

Monday, October 17, 2011 10:31 PM

Message body

New York State — Department of Motor Vehicles

UNIFORM TRAFFIC TICKET (ID:843482),

---

POLICE AGENCY
NEW YORK STATE POLICE
Local Police Code 5

THE PERSON DESCRIBED ABOVE IS CHARGED AS FOLLOWS

Time: 7:25 AM
Date of Offense: 07/02/2011
IN VIOLATION OF NYS V AND T LAW

---

412 Description of Violation

SPEED OVER 55 ZONE

TO PLEAD, PRINT OUT THE ENCLOSED TICKET AND SEND IT TO TOWN COURT, CHATAM HALL., PO BOX 117

Thanks but no Thanks Kat

I find it rather funny when people run screaming from my blog.........like this person............

We have tested your blog (ridingtheshortbus-kat.blogspot.com) and found that it contains problems in matching our criteria that are so severe that we do not think that they can be fixed. Therefore, we will not accept any further submissions on this particular blog.


The problem(s) with this blog are noted below:

In order to have your Blog Certified with Blog Distributor, it must not contain profanity. The following is a list of the profane words we found in your Blog: shit (10), shits (1), pissed (9), piss (1), fuck (18), fucked (4), fucking (14), bullshit (3), bitch (4), ass (27).

If you have other blogs that do not share the problem(s) that this blog has, we would welcome your submission of those other blogs.

The thing I find most hillarious is that they felt the need to tell me exactly how many times I said the word ass...I not suprised that they didn't send me a bar of soap! Ahhhhhhhh Fuckem (1)

Top 5 most inappropriate questions students asked me this week

Will you be my date for homecoming?

Let's get some Yeager and do some Algebra! (technically it's not a question, but what the hell-bite me!)

Hey when are we having that sleepover?

Have you ever had a friend with benefits?

Do you have a medical marijauna card?

What can I say, there is never a dull moment, or a lack of inappropriate questions.

An open letter to TBS--Kiss My Ass!

Let me give you a little advice TBS, your coverage of the MLB playoffs stinks, to put it bluntly.... it sucks balls, that's right big, sweaty, stinky hairy balls. I was thoroughly disgusted with your coverage of the Detroit-Yankee's series. The last time I checked your coverage is supposed to be unbiased, but it was hardly that. By the third inning of game 5 I was ready to mute your asses and listen to the radio coverage, the only thing holding me back is that there's a delay and I like seeing and hearing that shit live, and not see what happens seconds after I've heard it.

Your and TNT's  blatant favoring of the Yankee's through out this series made me want to puke on my shoes. It was completely unprofessional and brought disgusting to a whole new level in my book. Joe Girardi is a joke as a manager but according to you and your broadcast you jumped at the chance to hang on that asses every word. "what do you think Joe's thinking right now, what will be Joe's next move?" Well I tell you what his next move was.......to sit in the corner with his buddy A-Rod and have a good cry. That's right TNT the all mighty Yankee's and golden boy A-Rod were bitch slapped by a bunch of boy's from the Ghetto.

Hell you ass holes couldn't even muster the nerve to say who WON the series, no it was just The Yankee's lose and go home. You self righteous assholes should all lose your jobs. And you know what?......Even if my boys get their asses kicked in the next round of the playoffs.........I can still revel in the fact that we've kicked the all mighty Yankee's asses in the last two playoff appearances we've had. And that my friends is enough for me, the rest.........the ALCS  playoff series and possible World Series appearance....that's just gravy baby, cuz right now I am holding my head up and saying "Well done Boys, Well Done.

The Bad Teacher

I don't know what it is about me but I seem to attact the crazy train where ever I go. That's right people seem to gravate to me when I'm in public like some I'm some guru of the dsyfunctional and plain bat shit crazy.

Case in point.........I'm shopping after school one day at my favorite discount store and while pushing my cart down the asile I'm jostled by a young man who practically knocks me on my ass as he passes me. That should have been the first red flag, social awardness, the absence of an appropriate apology, the flat affective facial expression........yeah things only got worse after that.......instead of high tailing it in the other direction to avoid any possible further contact I simply went on my way down the next aisle.

That where the crazy train stopped to pick up it's next passenger.....the guy who practically knocked me down......only this time he's no longer in his own little world and has fixated on me and trying to convince me to "talk" to his mom down the next aisle. Before I knew it he's screaming at the top of his lungs that he doesn't want to go to Good Will with her today because he already been there once this week and the chance of them having any new VHS movies on WWII in stock are pretty slim, and what's the use of going to Good Will if you don't have anything new to look at Right? His mother two aisles over is screaming back at him "You're going, now stop pouting!"

Meanwhile, everyone is staring at me giving me the stink eye silently screaming in their heads "Just fucking talk to his Mother so he'll shut the Fuck up!...........So here I am thinking do I respond to this obvious Aspburgerish tempertantum or just walk away?  Fuck it, I punched out of the crazy train time clock an hour ago, and my time in dysfunctional hell is over.........and I simply say ........"Sorry you're on your own"........ and I'm the bad, but sane teacher for one more day.

I don't know about you but.........

I miss Simon Cowell's frightenly honest assessment of people who think they can sing but can't. I can't wait for THE X FACTOR and I honestly hope it kills off American Idol once and for all................

Really?

Today someone told me I was their "soul mate". To bad it was creepy "I wanna hold your hand, facebook stalking, love professing", stalker student who said it.............the only response I can come up with is............FML

A Decade Ago

I'll Never Forget-We Can't Forget

What this really means

Ok, so I was in Walmart the other day….yeah I know that’s where I made my first mistake..but anyway, I am strolling through the intimates department and that’s where I found what well, I don’t even know, cant even describe it…there are no words for this….well actually it speaks volumes really………..

And this is what it says……….

Hi, Mom, you know, I'm 13 years old now and I've decided that selling my pussy is the direction I'm leaning to take with my life since you obviously don't want me to be happy because you refuse to buy me a cell phone. Like, whatever! With the help of messages like this courtesy of America’s favorite retailer, I know the important things in life, like, cool clothes and cash, cash, cash. And, in the end, I gotta work the snatch to get it. Oh and there are some really cool clear stripper shoes in the shoe department too, I mean everyone is wearing them Mom.

Seriously what has raising a teenager girl come to when parent’s goals are to keep their daughters off the poles? I feel sorry for you Doug, be strong man, and keep the guns loaded!

Angels, Whores and Fucknuts

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The Abyss

I hate how sometimes your brain doesn’t let your mouth in on what’s going on in your head, so it tries to decipher it and ends up getting it all wrong. It boggles my mind how emotions can lead to problems because you can’t seem to understand them at all. And I really hate when people don’t get that you are just trying to let your emotions explain themselves, and that you aren’t trying to let them run amuck. It’s just that your heart and mind can’t begin to fathom the true depth and intensity of the feelings that are hidden away in that secret box.
 
It’s the place where your love for a child dwells, but it is also a dark place, where you store pure hatred, the deep abyss where all those intense feelings live and are stored, because if turned loose they would be in such pure, raw, uncontrollable form that even the sanest of minds wouldn’t be able to manage them. And so it goes another mask is added to the collection…and you’re the only one who knows.

I'm Not Ready

Yes I confess I'm not ready to go back to work, I'm so far from being in the right mind frame to even contemplate it. Why? Well as of today I have no contract, no agreed upon calendar, no classroom assignment, no worksheets copied due to the copiers being shut down. I can't get into my office to organize myself because it's being "occupied" till god knows when.....it's just an epic fail to the beginning of the school year. Yeah I'm not ready to say the least. Shit.

Therapy Disected

I have this love hate relationship with therapy. On one hand I know it's good for me, cleansing, and well hopefully healing, but the process sucks. I'm not necessarily talking about the whole breaking down and examining of your emotions....well that part sucks too, but basically just the act of going can suck.

Case in point.........my last therapy session. Basically I have a 40 minute drive just to get to my therapists office, sucky point number one. Once I got there I park my ass in a way too small waiting room and well wait, and wait. This day she's running late, which is annoying when I think about it because it seems like the norm lately.

So starts the dialog in my head while I wait..........

Damn I forgot my checkbook.....shit I hate it when I do that....fuck it I'll have her bill me, not like I haven't personally financed a whole addition to her house. I hope she doesn't have her therapy dog with her today it's so distracting, I really can't get in touch with my dark side when there is an adorable golden retriever laying at my feet..........I wonder if she realizes that I've never seen her in a single outfit that was manufactured post 1985, and what is up with wearing two different shoes?  I wonder how many of her other patients have noticed that, maybe I'm the only one who spends inordinate time staring at the floor in therapy......Damn when is she going to come out here and get me?? She's seriously cutting into my "let's get down to the real problem" time cuz we all know the first half hour of therapy is all fluff, how was your week and how are your meds working bullshit. Those last 15 minutes are when you strip away the bull shit, and get down to the shit that matters, and right now you are cutting into my gut wrenching angst ridden breaking down my wall time.......I wonder if she thinks I'm as crazy as I feel sometimes...........
Then the door opens.................
please come in........................... and the work begins

Thanks Matt for your Support

You know I'm really tired of being demonized as a teacher. I've watched my profession being the scapegoat for everything wrong in this country. I've watched as the media and politicians have tried to strip my dignity and try to make me feel ashamed that I have some decent benefits to go along with my crap ass salary.

So when I saw this video of Matt Damon defending my profession I felt some pride in the teachers that "taught" him well and thankful that he's remembered their dedication to teaching him.

You know you look like an idiot when.......

Seriously If you want to attempt to spam my lame ass blog at least use your own fucking comment....don't copy the comments of my faithful readers. It's not that hard to come up with your own freaking thought to leave. Geeze people!

I will never Understand...........

How is it that a dog who spends 90% percent of its time indoors, smell so damn bad. Really what is the damn compulsion with dogs and wanting to smell like a pile of shit? I just don't get it.....how can they stand it? Anyway,right now my dog reaks to high heaven and couldn't be happier.  UGH!

That's right bitch I smell like ass and I like it!

Don't be that guy

You know I always thought guy's who wore their mitts to baseball games were always douchebags. Seriously if you are over the age of 12, man up and catch the damn ball with your hands. It's just pathetic to be a grown ass man wearing a glove at a major league ball game.

And while I am on the subject, let me remind you men..........it's just a damn ball. It's not worth losing your life over. Hell if it's hit to you catch it but for the love of god don't try to defy gravity and catch a ball that even the best outfielder in the major league couldn't even catch.

You men seriously need to take some advice from us chicks, we either duck when that ball comes our way or we nail the catch with our feet planted on the ground and a baby in one arm.


In your face douchebag



Quid Pro Quo

I'm sure the majority of America had the same reaction as I did when they heard the verdict in the Casey Anthony case. I'm sure there was a chorus of "WTF" in complete harmony heard round the country. In all honesty I didn't watch the trial simply because Nancy Grace has hammered this whole case in the media for the past 3 years that it seemed like there wasn't anything new to hear, except some lame ass defense on Casey's part.

But in all honesty am I completely surprised that she was found not guilty? Not really, even with my own limited knowledge of the legal system, I knew there wasn't any forensic evidence to tie Casey to the murder. Don't get me wrong, I truly believe she had a hand in her daughters demise and the thought of her profiting from this whole situation with a book or movie deal disgusts me. But I have to keep to my belief that the system for the most part works. However, it is a bitch when cases like this happen. But I am a believer in what comes around goes around. She will have to face her maker one day and the thought of that will have to suffice, for now.

Yeah, I'm still alive..............

I'm backkkkkkkkk , ok so I took a bit of a break between the end of the school year and now, a much needed break. The end of the school year couldn't come soon enough and with the added week due to the wicked winter and snow days we had the end of the year seemed like it'd never come.

Add to the fact that my schedule was changed for the 4th time, on the second to last day of school, just added a little more piss to my pot you could say. But I gotta say I'm enjoying my time off and well time to blog.............not that any of you give a shit what I got to say anyways.........lol

Don't remind me of my failures....I've not forgotten them

I seem a bit off today.....maybe it's because I'm off work for the summer and taking my meds later in the day. Or maybe it's just one of those days when the dark place rises up to the surface despite the medication. That familiar place that slowly creeps into your mind with each hour that passes in the day. Try as I might it's just not budging no matter how hard I try to push it down. Today my dark companion demands my attention, taking a firm grasp on my psyche. 


The worst part is the negative thoughts....the reminders of past failures. I certainly don't need to be reminded of my failures, as I've not forgotten them in the least. It's funny how your own mind can be your worst enemy at times, feeding you untruths and negativity. I take solace in the old saying "and this too shall pass" ...at least I am hoping it does.

Oh I can Top That!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I can Top that!...............

You all know what us teachers talk about when we’re sitting in the teacher’s lounge right? Well you’d be surprised, at the stories that are revealed both professional and personal. But as life is there is always that one douche bag who tries to one up your story…and in this case I humbly bow down….

So my conversation begins with someone asking me if I’d ever taught General Education or as they bluntly put it “The Normal Kids”.
This led into a conversation of the lone year in which I taught 2nd grade, which by the way I hated. Why?  Field Trips……..they are like hell on wheels especially when you have to deal with 30 + second graders.

Anyway I went on to tell about my field trip from hell to the local zoo. Here I am with my group of students enjoying the first exhibit of the day the ape house. We weren’t in there more than 5 minutes when an ape decides to take a shit in his hand, which in itself is disgusting enough but then proceeds to smear said shit all over the observation window.  Personally I was just happy it wasn’t a cage cuz I might have had monkey shit all over me.

Now getting back to my earlier point about Mr. One Up Ya. He decides to share a personal story about his grade school experience. Seems when he was in 2nd grade he and his class were practicing for their Christmas pageant, when he felt nature calling. Being one not to get in trouble he decides to take care of the issue right there---That’s when he shit his pants, right there on the stage!.  But that’s not all-Somehow he’s able to nonchalantly wiggle that log out of his underwear and down his pant leg where he …….wait for it….simply walked away from it. Ok, first admitting to your colleges you shit yourself in 2nd grade isn’t disturbing enough to admit you left a duce on the floor for the janitor to clean up is just gross….But admitting it to you colleagues? That’s just sick, and well I will succeed to the trump card.  Oh and yeah Teachers can be crazy, laterally.

Isn't it Ironic?

So I've blogged before about my most embarrassing moment in my teaching career in my teaching career- it involved me falling out of my desk chair onto the floor in front of not only one class but 2 classrooms full of students..year if you missed it the first time around tough shit I am not reliving that traumatic event. However just as I thought I'd never completely get over that trauma, I go and trump myself as usual.



My last hour of the day is my smallest class but ultimately my most high maintenance. So I've got a rocking PowerPoint up on the board and I'm going over various "science" topics...of which I will not bore you with the details...when I hear my phone ring in my classroom. In an attempt to walk over to my desk to answer it, my foot becomes tangled in the cord to my projector. The next thing I know my foot is being yanked out from under me and I'm being flung through the air like mullet on a Bam'a beach.

Now none of this was FUNNY,..(ok I admit it was funny as hell), if it weren't for the fact that I regularly encourage my student to make fun of people who fall down. I know sounds cruel and intolerant.but I look at it this way. I figure what the hell there are few times when they are not the butt of everyone's jokes, so why not give them a regular opportunity to make fun of others. I celebrate this right of passage with what I call "Falling down Fridays" a visually stimulating collection of you tube video clips of people falling on their asses.....and we laugh...unfortunately this day they were laughing at ME...Isn't that fucking ironic.

Some gave All

This photo released Saturday, May 28, 2011, by Fort Campbell shows Staff Sergeant Ergin Vidot Osman, 35. The Department of Defense announced Monday, May 30, 2011, the death of six soldiers from Fort Campbell, Ky., including Sgt. Osman, who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. They died on May 26, 2011 of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked their unit with an improvised explosive device in Kandahar province, Afghanistan

Man up Jorge

Look do I really need another reason to HATE the Yankee's? I think Not, but those idiots keep making it too easy. I'm sure you've  heard the latest tempter tanturm and pissing match between Posada and  manager Joe Girardi......Blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhh, who the hell cares, get your panties out of a bunch Jorge and start hitting that little white ball with that little stick and things will be just fine, afterall that's your job right?

But as annoying as that is, what bugs me the most is that his wife had to join in his pity party taking to twitter to defend him. Look Jorge man up and tell your wife you can fight your own battles, cuz it just makes you look like a total pussy whipped douche bag. Then again keep it up skankie's I could use some more blog fodder.

International Day Of Compassion

Today is Blogger's Unite International Day of Compassion........and I know a lot of people are going to be talking about Patch Adams, but well as in typical Kat fashion I'm doing it my way.  Although I have utmost respect for Mr. Adams and his work, if I had to think off the top of my head of a person who exemplifies compassion it'd be Oliver Sack. Never heard of him? Well he's a British neurologist whom the main character Malcom Sayer (played by Robin Williams) in the film Awakenings. Basically Sack discovered the beneficial effects of a new drug called L-Dopa on catatonic patients who survived the 1917-1928 epidemic of encephalitis. By experimenting with the dosages Sack was able to wake these patients up so they could live again, if even for a brief period of time.

But it's the side story that is so compelling to me. You see Sack was a scientist at heart, and a bit of an introvert. Years of working in the lab with animals and cell cultures has stunted his compassionate side. But as the movie went on, you got to witness the development of one man's compassionate side. The slow melting of an under developed aspect of one's emotional defence. In essence a life changing moment, a compassionate heart in the making.

So do you want the good news first or the bad news first?

I really hate it when people say that don't you.....I even hate it more when it pertains to work. Well since I am such an optimist at heart, yeah you can all quit laughing your asses off .....I'll start with the good news. My schedule for next year isn't so bad....only one new class to teach and well I get to co-teach with a guy whose humor is as wicked as mine. So that's a plus definitely.

Now for the bad news, cuz there is always a negative aspect of the job....just when I thought my punishment in hell with one particular group of students was finished....I realized that I will have that same group of assholes  angels again next year. This is the same group of kids that I swear stay up all night planning how to effectively shank each other. They have to be the most uncooperative, unmotivated and high maintenance students I've ever encountered....I'm seriously considering keeping a bottle in my desk drawer next year, and upping my medication...I digress

I hate technology

So much to tell you all and a crappy computer that is not cooperating, so until I get this damn virus off my NEW laptop you'll all have to wait a day or two, but believe me it will be worth the wait
kat out

Finally

About time we finally got that filthy evil Bin Laden , just sorry it took so long..............rest in hell you evil bastard with all your "marters"............ they've been expecting you  you evil piece of shit....I'm sure they have a few bones to pick with you

3 Boys one can of Chew

Let me tell you sometimes I think my student think I am dumb, blind and deaf. Case in point.....Jimmy comes up to my desk to ask me if he can go to the bathroom, as he's making his request I notice some black nasty junk sticking to his teeth. Having my suspicions I tell him to pull his lip down so I can see whats on his teeth. There is it is a big chaw of chewing tobacco.

Busted....So Jimmy what's that nasty stuff you got stuffed in your lip?? That's when the game begins....the You're a crazy Bitch and I am going to deny this until my death game. Of course he knows he's busted so what does he do? Keeps saying nothing is in his mouth while he awkwardly and obviously tries to hide the evidence. Of course he knows the gigs up and decides that the only way out of this one is to........wait for it......swallow the evidence. That's right he swallowed that big old juicy wad of chew, even though I told him he'd regret it. Seriously I wante to puke just watching him swallow it, of course he continues to deny he had it in his mouth as the evidence is sticking all over his tongue and teeth as he proclaims his innocence.

Of course this kid thinks....no evidence , no crime. Yeah right....and basically I'm sitting in the principals office with the police officer, and the kid an hour later as he blatantly tells them I am a liar and I'm out to get him suspended because I hate him......I am sure you can imagine how far that got him and within about 15 minutes the kid was singing like a canary ratting out two more of my students and I got a needed vacation from the three of them a they were suspended for 10 days and fined a hefty $500. Honestly I hope this is lesson to him that well one, he's terrible at concealing his illegal actions and covering his tracks , two he's a terrible liar, and three I am once and for all not as stupid, blind and deaf as he once thought......point Kat

Peace of Mind

I have a friend who recently got injured on the job. No one ever likes to see these things happen especially to someone you know. To make matters worse the accident should have never happened, the company was completely negligent in keeping the work environment safe and as a result my friend was injured.

Fortunately for him he has options. Compensation Lawyers can help him to secure a fair settlement for his work related injury. He's very grateful that he has the option to look into what Compensation Lawyers can do in his situation. He comes from a family who have traditionally made their living in the manual work force and has seen other family members from past generations have their livelihoods taken away from them as a result of not having good representation.  At least he can be rest assured that his Compensation Lawyers will be working in his best interest to ensure the financial stability of himself and his family.

Fan and practical

Thanks to Christy the Label Making Queen for this post
I have to tell you one of my favorite Christmas gifts I received this year was my label maker. I know what you are thinking ……a label maker? Yes! I absolutely love that machine! I use it to label so many things at work from files to my binders. I’ve even used it to put my name on my stapler and tape dispenser which seemed to constantly go missing at least once a week. One of the things I really like about my label maker is it allows me to add little graphics to the item that I am labeling, which adds a little personal touch to the things I put my name on. Have I gone a little bonkers since I got it, well yeah but I just love the clean crisp professional look it gives me and well it’s fun to use too!

I need Combat Pay

Today was a stellar day.....not in a good way. I have one particular hour of the day that is literally a powder keg waiting to explode. Needless to say the implosion was inevitable. In all my years of teaching I've never seen a beat down like the one that happened today. And the scary thing in hindsight is that I tried to break it up, yeah I have no idea why I think my telling them to stop will ever actually accomplish anything. Once the adrenalin starts pumping these kids get tunnel vision and just go into a blind rage.

Needless to say some blood was spilt today, and a kid was sent to the hospital in an ambulance, and I have to just pick myself up brush myself off and carry on......and so I teach.

Looking forward to spring

Thanks to Jeremy Barber for this guest post
This spring my condo association decided to fix up our commons and pool area. I recently ran into one of the committee members and they filled me in on all the fantastic improvements that are underway.  One of biggest improvements that were approved is an upgrade of Site Furnishings. I was really excited to hear that new Park Benches were going to be installed in the garden area and also some new picnic table to be installed  near the community pool.
Of course I was also pleased to hear about the Adirondack chairs that were ordered to be installed in the pool area. I plan on putting my name on one of those chairs this summer as I plan on planting myself in one as much as possible. Now all we need is some warm weather so we can enjoy all our new amenities 

Seriously.....it wasn't me

As you all know from past posts that some weird and downright idiotic sh*t goes down in my classroom on a pretty consistent basis. Friday was no exception to the rule......about half way through 5th hour the principal comes over the loud speaker saying we're in a lockdown....no one in, no one out...and by the way the "dogs" will be searching the building.  Well when they bring in the dogs it means only one thing....a drug bust.

So in these situations we just continue teaching as usual and carry on as normal.....about 10 minutes after the announcement I gave my students some independent work to do at their desks....a few minutes into the assignment I noticed that one of my students was acting  extremely agitated and called him over to my desk to ask him what the hell what his problem was.

That's when he starts wigging out on me and says smell my hands....yes I know this sounds weird but you'd be surprised how often kids ask me to "smell" things.... so I'm  sitting at my computer trying to ignore his request to smell his "god knows where they've been" hands..... as I turn to stand up from my chair he shoves the sleeve of his hoodie directly in my face coming in full contact with my nose.

To say it smelled is an understatement....yeah it smelled, like the third row of a Bob Marley Tribute Concert. What did you do...... smoke a big fatty this morning while waiting for the short bus? That's when this turd decides to wipe his sleeve on my arm.....That's when I say "Are you completely insane?" ,  you better pray that those drug dogs don't come scratching at my classroom door or I am going to personally feed you to them.......Let's just say I am not sure which this kid was more scared of....the dog's or his bitch of a teacher.

Welcome to the Ghetto

According to Men's Health Magazine Detroit is The Angriest City in America......can you really blame the ghetto for being a bit pissed off? Because we have so much going for us right now right?.....Let's see unemployment over 20%, a city government that are self serving criminals that are more interested in lining their own pockets than in governing the city......Personally I've lost count of how many of these public servants are now in prison or on their way...  A public school system that has been so riddled with corruption over the years that classes in the fall will have upwards of 60 students....yeah how's that working toward reducing the illiteracy rate??? Then there is the media.....who seems to have nothing better to do than dump on the auto industry and the people who are just trying to survive. Yeah we got some things to be pissed off about....you got a problem with that? 

Familiar Memories

I turned on my computer the other day and glanced at the Detroit Freepress and noticed this headline..".Dad of  Timothy King wins documents in search for son's Killer"........Knowing the background of he the story I immediately clicked on the link and began reading....While reading the article it was like I was transported back in time. To a dark place in my memory when fear overrode any sliver of normalcy in my life and that of any other child my age.

It was a time when every kid my age lives lost some innocence, stolen from a monster who plucked children form their happy existence, held them for days and then callously murdered them dumping their lifeless bodies on the side of a snow filled ditch or roadside.

Author Glen Hirshberg, who also lived in the area as a kid, dubbed him the "snowman" in his chilling hauntingly familiar tale titled "The Snowman's Children" A work of fiction laced with just enough similarities to the murders to remind me these crimes have never been solved. The kids in my neighborhood simply dubbed him the babysitter for his habit of holding his victims for days before killing them, meticulously cleaning their clothes and bodies before dumping them.

Al the snow we've ad lately remind me of that long clod bitter winter that ever seemed to end. The two block walked home from the bus stop in which you'd break into a sprint within seconds. Glancing behind to make sure no one was following you.....passing strings of houses displaying their "safe house" signs in their windows...as if that could really keep you safe....always wondering why the green house on the left never displayed the sign. It was the first time I'd ever overtly mistrusted someone based on such a simple act, not a trait I've been able to easily shake.

It's bee over 30 years since the principal came over the PA system one wintry afternoon and announced they'd found the last victim Timothy King....His father's heartache being looped on the news as he tried to make sense of his son's death and that of three other children.

There's been no closure for Mr. King and the families of Mark Stebbins, Jill Robinson and Kristine Mihelich. There has been no closure for all those kids who ran home from school trying to escape the grip of a child killer.....and there is no closure for the little girl that continues to wonder why.

I am in 7th heaven..............

I have the day off and the MLB Network is showing my boys playing against the Mets at 1 pm .........ahhh I am in my element! Now go kick some New York Ass..........

Introspection

I've long compartmentalized my angst, stored it away in a tidy drawer never to acknowledged it, at least not in public. That way it's easy to deny the role it has played in my life. How I've molded my entire adult life, every perception, every thought, every word said to me according to it's deceit.

I had an epiphany while in therapy last week, that's a good thing I guess, but I've come to the realization that it's not so much that I'm afraid of facing my fears and solving my angst...but rather I'm afraid of who I will be without it.

I mean who am I really, without all the baggage I've inadvertently carried around for so many years....That my friend...... scares me more than anything.

Oh Man that is just Nasty

I thought skunks hibernated in the winter.....I mean when's the last time you opened your patio door in the dead of winter and sniffed that rectched smell? Honestly I've never had that happen till tonight....well let me back up I didn't actually smell the skunk till about 30 seconds after I opened the door and the dog took off after the skunk. Needless to say she startled that little Pepe La Pue and it sprayed.....thank god it wasn't a direct hit cuz I am in no mood to drag my ass to Walmart at midnight to buy 5 gallons of tomato juice to soak my dog in.

Conversation Fail Part duex

Ok so like I said before there is a ton of stuff that has been said in my class and everyday I think nothing can top this, but it always does.  So I was talking to my biology students about how manufactures use hormones to spur growth in livestock like chicken and cows and such. Of course I had to show some somewhat distrubing video of baby chicks being injected with growth hormones. What's a biology class with out some visual aides!

So after the discussion I asked if there were any further questions....that's when one of my brillant students stated ....."Is that why I get horney when  I eat chicken nuggets"?  Insert my eyes rolling into the back of my head while responding........."not those kind of hormones Einstein".......I digress

One more thing

Thanks to Kelly Partick for the guest post

Hey all it's me Kelly again, I told you earlier about my favorite place for buying scrubs online in an earlier post. I just wanted to let you know that this site is also a great resource for scrubs for men. As fusssy as I am with the way I like my work gear to fit, I think making comfortable work gear for men is equally important and possibly more difficult.

So men you are equally represented at blueskyscrubs, and you'll be able to get the same quality made products for yourself that us women enjoy. Don't waste your time with other scrub stores, you'll find the sizes, and quality you need in one stop.

Well that was disappointing

I really hate it when bloggers just decide to quit blogging, no warning, no hey it's been a good ride thanks for reading my stuff. Just Poof and they are gone. Yeah I know I don't deserve a good bye but well it'd would have been nice. So Freaksmack, I wish ya the best in your blog free world, going to miss ya Fred.

And You say I'm Weird!

Every once in awhile I'll look at my stat counter to see what key words people use when they find my blog. Obviously the majority of the hits include the a form of "Short Bus" or "Short Bus Jokes". But sometimes I wonder how some of these keywords point people to my blog....especially searches for Penis shower cakes, really what the hell is a penis shower cake? Is it cake you eat in a shower or is it cake for a bachelorette party? And what about this one "stinky coke whore"....I seriously don't ever remember making any such reference in the past...wait maybe someone called me a stinky coke whore and linked to my blog? Oh well thanks for the backlink bitches. But the one that I really can't figure out is "irish nipples"....Comeon who seaches for irish nipples? Evidently someone in Missouri has a weird fetish!

Conversation Fail

I witness a variety of umm let's say unique conversations during the two minutes it takes me to take attendance each class period .....today was no exception .........

Student enters classroom late....
Jadded Teacher: Do you have a pass Jenny?
Jenny : No I'm just late
Jadded Teacher: I'll have to mark you tardy
Jenny: (looking dishoveled ) Whatever
Jimmy: Jenny you look like you just snorted some cocaine
Jenny: I don't snort.....well except for that Flaming Hot Cheetos that one time, but that doesn't count
Jadded Teacher: Hense the adjectives "Flaming and Hot", probably wasn't the smartest move
Jimmy:  I snorted Kool Aide once
Jadded Teacher: (rolling eyes) that explains a lot
Jimmy: Well I also licked the sand while on vacation once too , what does that explain?
Jadded Teacher:  more than you can imagine Jimmy.....more than you can imagine.

I digress

Really?

It seems like everyone is having babies, have a few friends that are expecting which is awesome..but let's hope their baby shower planners don't hire any of the baker's of these cakes.....it's just creepy

A little Help from a friend called Celexa

Update: I was able to get my therapist to call in a percription refill for me, and let me tell you I can't wait to pick it up.....I'm just so sick of being pissed off at the world.....pissed at my financial situation, pay cuts, cutbacks, grocery prices that are outrageous, gas over $3 a gallon, that every little thing that comes out of everyone's mouth irritates the living shit out of me..........that the only person I feel I can talk to charges me $125 an hour to be on my side. But mostly pissed that I'm not able to feel normal without taking drugs. Ok going to have a good cry now, It'll all be good by morning. I hope.

Grow some balls would ya

Ok so I'm at home today enjoying a much needed day off due to the foot of snow outside my door...and well I can't say I've done a damn productive thing today except watch a few movies and some tv.

I do have to say that while enjoying my TV coma I ran across one of the more disturbing  and annoying shows ever produced. So as I sat in a vegetative state on my couch watching Toddlers in Tierra's, I immediately  felt a rollercoaster of emotions. At first I was simply annoyed at the bratty attitudes of these 3 and 4 year olds who seemed to be throwing temper tantrums every thirty seconds. But then of course I realized that these kids are just a product of their environment. These parents are a bunch of fuck nuts who think their kids are all that. It's no wonder they walk around thinking their pulls ups don't stink when they have their parents dressing them up in completely age inappropriate costumes, choreographing pole dance routines, spray tanning their bodies and applying so much makeup they put Jon Bonet Ramsey to shame.

But the most disturbing part of this show are the dad's. Seriously what kind of a guy spends his free time sewing glitzzie costumes for their daughters, and choreographing their "talent" portion of the competition. All I want to know is exactly how far north do your nuts have to retreat that you would consider not only becoming involved in such fucked up shenanigans, but to also agree to have said balless antics televised on national television? Like I said WTF

Well Fuck a Duck,,,,

As my therapist says….. I think I am amusing and am under the illusion that anyone might be slightly entertained by what I have to say….thank you for enabling my delusions and read on……

Sound familiar? Yeah cuz it's my fucking "about me" quote that some paralegal biatch is using on her blog. Seriously the ABOUT ME is supposed to be about You not about ME! Ok I gotta admit that her line (read below) about getting getting spam that will make  her sweedish boyfriend's cock bigger is kinda funny, but what the fuck get your own damn lines bitch. Do you hear me stomping my feet right now? 

I got a better idea..........spam her fucking inbox about how completely unoriginal her lame ass is PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and I love her last line. .......And ,yes, you are right.  I am indeed the most interesting person you have never met!  Apparently NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FAIL!

The rest of her bullshit About Me description Fail

I blog to get more narcissism in my diet. Apparently, it’s something my body can’t get enough of. Like Cheetos. Or Riboflavin.

You can contact me at paralegal@paralegalhell.com – All spam is accepted, especially if you want to make my handsome Swedish boyfriend’s penis bigger, or if I give you my life savings, you will give me the millions promised in your unsolicited mail.  Failing that, drop me an email saying hello and mention how completely awesome I am.

And ,yes, you are right.  I am indeed the most interesting person you have never met!

Oh For Pete's Sake

Guess what? It's fucking snowing out....again, and this time the weather god's are saying it's a fucking blizzard coming my way. Look I'm tired of the snow ok, enough! For God's sake Spring Training starts in like a week, hell the season opens in 2 months..........COME ON! Hell, maybe I'll get a snow day or two, seems we'll be getting like a foot of snow. I digress...

I need a refill NOW

So I've been off my meds for like a month now, not cuz I want to but because my stupid ass insurance has changed and I've got to pay the first thousand out of my pocket. I know I need to count my blessings and be thankful I've got insurance to begin with but hell a thousand bucks is a lot of money to this piss poor teacher.

But I think I need to call my therapist and tell her that for the love of god, I need to get a refill before I kill someone!

Stupid is as Stupid does....just saying

As much as I love it when my class runs smoothly, I'm also a realist. I teach some of the most challenging and unmotivated kids in the student population. Needless to say this was going to be one of "those" days.

Now one of the things I really hate is when my kids say stupid things...I know it kinda seems like an oxymoronic statement on my part, considering what I teach,  but it really irritates me. Most of the time I let a lot of shit slide, but today I decided I'd had enough and called a student out on their stupidity.

That's when my student immediately starts a tyrate about how I need to quit getting up his bizness', and stay outta his shit. This of course immediately grants him a go directly to  jail   the princpal's office, do not pass go and do not collet $200 card.

But this is where things get hysterical. In his attempt to make a dramatic exit from the classroom, he screams "Fine I'll go to the office, you're a lame ass teacher anyway, bitch....immediately stomping to the door. The only problem is that earlier in the week this punk broke the door when he attempted to open it by kicking the release bar.

So here he is trying and failing miserably to get out of the room, looking like a complete dip shit while doing it. This of couse sent the rest of my extremely immuture students and myself into complete gut splitting laughter....it was hysterical, it was like he was one of those dumb shits that attempt to rob a convience store and can't get out of the door. 

But if that wasn't rewarding enough.......I  got an email from my principal later that day that was simply the icing on the cake..........."Just wanted to let you know that Johny won't have to be subjected to your lame ass teaching for the next three days as he will be suspended out of school, you can thanks me later...ha ha"  Gotta love an admin with a fucking sense of humor!

Hope you get what you deserve

So I hear on the news this morning that some Islamic douchbag decided that he had the right to mercy kill his daughter because she was "becoming too westernized." Look I'm pretty tolerant of people who practice religions different than  mine....hell do what you want-- worship that pile of dog shit in your back yard for all I care, but when you cowardly hide behind your fucked up religion and use it as a right to slaughter your flesh and blood --well that's when I say take your piece of shit ass back to your homeland.

Here's a little newsflash for you douchebag. You're the one who chose to raise your daughter here. You think maybe our evil western culture might influence her? The part that  pisses me off the most is that you fucking cowards hide behind your supposed, peaceful religion all while you are repressing the women in your culture, beating them if they stray a little to far or better yet run them over with your jeep in the name of Allah and pride.

What the fuck is wrong with you people! And if our legal system allows your "crime" to be dismissed for the sake of your "culture" then shame on this nation. You claim you worship God but you couldn't be further than the truth---so fuck off!

Wordless Wednesday

Incredibibly disturbing, but yet I just had to watch it again

Snowday Wordless Wednesday

I'd give him a buck for creativity.......