Friday, December 24, 2010

From me to You

Presents are wrapped, baking is done.....ahhh time to relax.
Wishing all of my readers A Very Merry Christmas......
Oh and if you want to indulge yourself with a little celebratory drinkie drink, try a dirty girl scout........ yum

Merry Stinky Christmas

I've always got thee running monologues going on in my head especially when I'm waiting in line at the store. Yesterday was no exception......Being the dumb ass I am I had to get the last of my shopping done, so I place that last item into my cart and head to the check out. Of course like any retailer at Christmas time there are always too many people in line and not enough cashiers...so I wait.

Just as I hit the 10 minute wait time, I start to smell something a little odoriferous. Within seconds my brain registers that skanky smell and I'm overwhelmed by it's putrid aroma. Is that me?....Considering I haven't taken a shit nor farted in the past 10 hours it sure as hell wasn't me.

Reluctantly taking another whiff I figure out the smell is coming somewhere in front of me....that's when I see the possible master of funk in front of me in one of those motorized scooter carts. Just when I was giving the old man the benefit of the doubt all bets were off when I noticed as he bent forward to unload his basket that he had some Hershey squirt-age coming out the back of his depends.

What the fuck, dude shit himself while riding around Walmart and just sat in that shit an stunk up the whole joint for the rest of us. Seriously I'm beginning to gag...where the hell is is the fabreeze when you need it....hell there's always fabreeze at the check out, or at least those pine tree air fresheners you hang in the car, I could just wear the thing around my neck till I get out of this stink hole...WHERE the Fuck is the Fabreeze!!!!!!!!!!! Ughhhhhhhhhh!!!

Needless to say there was none to be found and I had to suffer through that retched stink but at least I didn't have to detoxify that scooter....Merry stinky Christmas you poor bastard! HAH! Oh and people if I ever get to the point where I am riding around walmart in a scooter with a diaper full of shit....just ride me out back and shoot me on site.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

How Many Days till Break?

Ahh Test days. they are supposed to be easy days, you know hand out the test, catch up on putting my grades in the computer, return a few emails etc. But NO! not when you're the SPED Teacher, nothings ordinary or predictable.

Point in case-my Science class, just as I get everyone settled down and working on their test. I hear 'turd boy' (so fondly nicknamed because he's always asking to go to the bathroom after lunch because he's "turdleing") ripping a piece of paper out of his notebook, scribbling something on it and tossing it across the room at another student.

At this point I tell him to bring me the note, at which point he ties to slide his chair across the floor to retrieve the note only to fall backwards and land feet in the air on the floor. Seizing the moment I attempt to confiscate the note before he can gather his lameass up off the floor, but where's there's a will there's a way. That little shit head started crawling across the floor lie a marine crawling through a trench with barbed wire and grabbed the note before me. Now at this point to should have been a simple "give me the note or you'll be written up for disturbing class during a test": But NO as in usual short bus fashion this kid crumbles up the note shoves it into his mouth and began chewing.

Great, now I have to deal with this? Ok, spit it paper out before you fall off your chair and your parents sue me for allowing you to stupidly compromise your air way.

Needless to say with a few more minutes of threatening and reminding him he wasn't two years old the paper was in the garbage and finally everyone was taking the test.Hell I wonder why I am exhausted at the end of the day, it's like I am teaching Kindergarten all over again. No I take that back I think Kindergartners are more well behaved. Thank God Just 2 more days to Christmas Break, For the Love of God I need it!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

WTF?

So I was doing a little last minute online Christmas shopping and found this on Overstock.com's front page

I guess they are just making it easy for Daddy to shop for both himself and little Jr at the same time .....tee hee
click to enlarge

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Politically Correct can Kiss My Ass

So I was running off progress reports recently and came to the section where the teacher can add comments on the student progress. Typically they are the standard
Student could do better work, missing work, daily work incomplete...you get the idea.

So I get to this one student and the only comment that truly describes this student is "Student lacks motivation to complete daily assignments" but what I really want to say to the parent is that your kid needs to lay off the ganja before getting on the school bus, because it is totally interfering with his ability to complete even the simplest direction such as writing his name on his paper.In other words he can't afford to lose any more brain cells ......in face he's in need of an emergency transfusion of some smartness as we speak.

Oh and just one more thing you might want to consider another line of work....seems your current occupation as a medical mary jane grower isn't exactly helping the situation douche bag.....just saying.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Back that Ass Up....and I don't mean that in a good way

Ok time for a gripe, what the hell is it with these people who don't know how to honor the personal space rule? I can't stand it when I'm at the grocery store and some jackass behind me finds the need to ride my ass while they are waiting their turn in line.

Seriously do you have to breath down my damn neck when I'm trying to swipe my debit card, just because you are up in my grill doesn't mean I'm going to get out of your way any faster asshole. So go fuck yourself.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Sad but True....Laugh your Ass OFF !!!!

Dear Neighbor in Warren -

I'm not gonna shovel out the walk, so you might as well call me in now.

I work 12-14 hour days. My wife left almost a year ago to go relive her college days (she's fucking the third or fourth in a line of grad students at the U of M, from what I hear) and saddled me with the mortgage and car payment. The dog now hates me because he's cooped up in one room all day long when he used to be home with the wife (too busy doing yoga to stay limber for the college studs to get a job when we were together) and could go outside or at least have run of the house all day.

Thanks for the dirty look when I saw you out walking YOUR unleashed shit-machine-on-four-legs this morning. Must be a bitch to be shins deep in the snow while your dog clamors into my yard to leave a steamer in the drift. Noticed you didn't have a bag with you and kind of caught the way you just kept on walking without picking up Rover's turds as I rolled up the hill towards another hourlong commute.

Hey, asshole. Guess what? I'm not an independent consultant or whatever the fuck it is you told me your job is when I was checking out your wife's ass at the neighborhood picnic this Summer. I'm a sales manager. I get up early, go to the office, slug it out listening to salespeople tell me that our customers won't buy our services in this economy (or as I call it, 'whining about shit that's really not my problem') until well after you've had your supper, and typically make it home about the time you're settling in to watch Real Housewives of Orange County or whatever closet cocksucker show you watch after you put little Peyton and Jacinda to bed.

I'm beat when I get home. I eat a sandwich, pet the dog a little, sort the mail, and wish my wife wasn't a cum guzzling whore for a Carlson School of Management's Spring '09 MBA candidates, each of whom is gonna finish fucking my wife, defend a dissertation, get offered a job without having to make a meaningful search, and earn six times more money at age 22 with no experience than I am at age 40 with a BS in marketing and 18 years never once having missed quota for base-plus-ten-percent.

The LAST thing on my mind in these moments of lamentation is putting on the Carhartts and shoveling out the sidewalk when it's -15�. I gotta get up in six hours and get back to the office. I work for a living, and to tell you the truth, when you called the City to complain earlier this year about snow on the sidewalk and I got the $30 WSB invoice from the City for them to come by with their brush-blower, I happily paid it. It was worth the $30 to not have to go out and stand in the wind for 30 minutes.

So this is your fair warning, oh neighbor of mine...might as well call me in now, because it ain't getting any warmer the rest of this week, my job ain't getting any less demanding, and as far as I know, my wife has every intention of continuing to let the next generation of useless MBAs keep screwing her spit-lubricated ass. Which means I have the perfect combination of prohibitive temperatures, discretionary income, and anger at humanity in general to keep paying the city to clear the sidewalk in from of my house well into Spring.

More snow on the way!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I knew this day would come.........

OMG look who is following me on Twitter.........My man Anderson, I knew he'd come to his senses and lift that restraining order eventually.....
Ok, I know it's not the REAL Anderson, but hell let a girl have her fantasy!