Thursday, July 12, 2012

One is a Lonely Number

So I read an article about a woman  in Jackson Michigan who kept the dead body of her boyfriend in her house for 18 at first I thought gross what would possibly possess someone to do such a thing. But as I read the article and the following quote from the woman it all became sadly clear to me. 

“It’s not that I’m heartless. ... I didn’t want to be alone. He was the only guy who was ever nice to me,”

Suddenly the fact that she had a dead body in her house for a year and a half wasn't as sad 

as the reason she felt the need to do so.

I don't know which is sadder, her overwhelming feeling of loneliness or the fact that he was 

the only guy who was ever nice to her. I get the loneliness .... it's one of the worst feelings in 

the world. The emptiness you feel when there is no one there for you to turn to.The absolute 

worst is when you feel lonely even in a crowed room, or surrounded by people who love you, 

or so they say. I think that's the saddest part, when you feel alone because you feel no one 

gets you feel, what you think, who you are. Maybe he was the only one who truly 

understood her......made her feel safe,  kept her company...accepted her 

unconditionally.....who would want that to end? Even in death his presence fulfilled her 

needs, in her mind  that  wasn't such a bad thing...........I think she just wanted that 

unconditional companionship, friendship, and need to feel safe. Sadly on a personal level, I 

can't fault her for that.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

And once again she sits alone

Sitting across the restaurant table from her he can tell she's up to something. It's that look she gets when her mind is spinning a mile a minute. Never meaning malice but always wondering, questioning.  "So tell me, she says..... What was your childhood like?"   Hesitantly he replies, "What do you mean?   "You know, she says with an pleading tone... tell me a story from when you were a kid."   "I'd rather not go there" he replies. 

In her attempt to coax him into sharing she wrinkles her eyebrows and says please. 
He's obviously annoyed, but knows she will continue to press him till she gets what she wants. It's a skill she she's mastered that he's quite immune to. A certain ability to drive him to a vulnerable state and spill his deepest pain. He hated that aspect of her, but he knew she had the ability to suck the very marrow from his bones with what seemed like little effort. 

Fixing his eyes downward on the white table cloth  he gives into the inevitable, swallowing hard he begins his decent into the deep recesses of his childhood memories........"You want a story? Well let me's so hard to choose because I had such a fucking fantastic childhood. Maybe I should start with how my Mom was a complete drunk and completely negligent. Or how about, all the times she was so drunk she couldn't go to the grocery store to buy food and my sister would go and steal food from the neighbors while they were at work. Or maybe I should tell you about how I flunked the 2nd grade because she was so drunk off her ass every night she couldn't get her ass out of bed to wake me up for school that what you want to hear?

His eyes rise to meet hers and she can tell, he's not finished by a long shot.She sips her water trying to wrap her head around his anger and pain, bracing herself for round two as her eyes are now fixated on the white table cloth as he once again begins speaking.

"But you know what? As bad as that was, nothing compares to to the last time I saw her when I was a kid. Luckily my Dad got some sense knocked into his ass and realized what a piece of shit she was and I moved in with him. Years later I walk into a party store on my way home from school, grab a mountain dew and candy bar and walk up to the counter to pay. There she is in all her glory working the cash register. She looks at me and says a dollar twenty. That's when I realize she has no idea who I am. She doesn't know me from fucking Adam. You don't recognize me do you? I ask her. "No, do I know you?", she says to me.  "I'm you son, your baby boy" I say.

"You know what she says to me? Nothing..........that's right, she doesn't say a god damn thing.....just gives me my change. Her own flesh and blood standing before her, that she hasn't seen for 8 years and she has nothing to say.....I just say fuck it to myself and walk out of the store."

As if exhausted he runs his hands down his face, and finishes off the remainder of his beer in one quick slam. She raises her head to meet his eyes realizing the consequences of her manipulation. Quickly standing he pulls a wad of cash from his wallet and tosses it on the table. "Dinner's over" he quips. "I'll pull the car up, meet me out front in 5 minutes.

And once again she sits alone.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy 4th of July

Yesterday the greatest question was decided which ever was debated in America; and a greater perhaps never was, nor will be, decided among men. A resolution was passed without one dissenting colony, ''that these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States.''
John Adams

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Somethings gotta give..........

In case you've wondered I haven't died, nor retired. I simply took some time off from posting anything personal on my blog. To say that this past school year was a challenge is an understatement. To put it bluntly it f-ing sucked. It's been a year of challenges and lesson learned. And I'm sorry to say that my whole aspect toward the teaching profession has become tainted. I no longer trust any of my fellow colleges in this dog eat dog profession, where no one is willing to help or even be civil to each other because they are all conspiring to make themselves look better than their fellow co-workers. 

I made some real hard decisions this year, which I will share with you in another post, let's just say change is gonna come............and I'm hoping it will save my love for teaching because something has got to give.