Sunday, November 1, 2009

Get your love junk off my Humps!

Now that I'm at the high school I'm not only reunited with my former special education students but also about 250 general education students that I've co taught with in the past 2 years.

Although I've built a re pore with these kids my involvement with them is limited. But you know there is always an exception or two or a dozen to the rule. Case in point, "the trustie stead" so rightly nicknamed this because he used to gallop down the halls of the middle school. I kid you not.

So the stead heard I was teaching in the building and let's just say he's a little too enthusiastic about my new digs. Let's just say the awkward moments have been piling up and I'm about ready to bring out a can of whip ass on the kid.

Awkward moment number one which in hindsight was seemingly harmless, consisted of my name being bellowed down the hall and kisses being blown in my direction. However it did take a sharp turn to the creepy side when a "damn you look fine today" was added to the mix.

Awkward moment number two: The creepy cling. So I'm headed out the door to go off campus and I hear the Stead call me. At this point I choose to pretend to be Helen Keller and put my deaf mute skills to work ignoring his ass as I pick up my pace trying to make it to the safety zone outside of the building.

Unfortunately I wore my heels that day and with what had to be superhuman powers that kid sprinted the length of a hallway catching up to me and cackling me in a full fledged bear hug.If that wasn't awkward enough he added a "you're so soft" Seriously this kid is beginning to creep me out completely.

Just as I was beginning to think my personal space violation quota had been met for the week I got slam dunked again....this time while in the office. I prepare to stand my ground as he makes his approach and begin chanting my mantra: "Personal Space, Please respect my PERSONAL SPACE!" simultaneously extending my arm as if to draw an invisible off limits perimeter around my body.
Of course this kryptonite has no effect on his superpowers and he proceeds to violate my space once again. This time lingering a bit to long which only added to the creepy stalker psycho-ness of the situation.

Now I'm thinking that Admin who witnessed this whole debacle would likely reprimand him. Oh I don't know maybe give him a stern warning about touching me especiall when I make it clear that it's uncomfortable for me.

But NO, they didn't bat an eye, even after I complained it was very awkward. Their take? Wow you've really bonded with your students. UM NOOO! I don't want to "bond" with him and secondly he's NOT my student. So I'd kindly appreciate someone telling him to keep his junk off me.

Needless to say they didn't do anything and I am as we speak, surfing the net for a stun gun to keep the little wanker in line. Ok, so a stun gun is a bit much. I'd settle for a shock collar with a remote range of about a quarter mile. Yeah that should do the trick.


  1. Don't have any idea what to tell you about this issue. Is he mentally challenged?

  2. LOL. Love the writing here. I've worked as an education beat reporter in Chicago and the stories you're telling square with stuff I've witnessed and had told to me by teachers I've met over the years. Keep it coming!

  3. You could douse yourself with hot sauce or lemon juice -- works when you want to keep cats away from wires!

  4. I would play games with the little fucker. Find out what would drive him crazy, or crazier, and continue to keep doing it. Maybe he's afraid of crayons or some stupid character. Do some research and beat him at his own game!

    Or fuck it shoot him with a tazer! lmao